Thursday, October 19, 2006

Why Am I Still Here?

The question of why has been bothering me recently. Not because I am doubting God's plan or anything. My heart is still clinging to a deep trust even as I wonder why. It's good to ask "why" sometime because it makes you evaluate where you are at and where your faith and trust is resting.

I'm still here and there has to be some reason! Unfortunately, that leads me to more questions:

1. All a part of God's plan!
Does God have some mysterious reasoning in all of this? Like something that He wants to teach me or connections that He wants me to make? Is this extra time a part of a gift to me to allow me to enjoy another fall, some in-between time and the chance to scrapbook my life from the past 7 years?

2. Culpa mia (the culprit looks like me)
Or am I still here because I'm crummy at this support raising thing? Have I been so bad at connecting with people in the last 4 years that now I'm paying the consequences of not having enough supporters? Am I afraid to ask people? Does pride keep me from asking for support? Is there more that I should be doing or should have done??

3. The Devil Made me do it
Maybe Satan is doing stuff to hold me back from what God wants. After all, why would he want me to commit my life to full-time missions? It's no good news for his plans if my full-time focus is telling people about Jesus. Maybe he has sent out his nasty little demons to distract people from supporting me, to have them lose their response cards or just forget to respond!

Okay so the last one was a little silly but I wonder if my answer to the question of "Why?" should be "all of the above." Is there a piece of truth in all of these answers? There could be and maybe it's okay to not exactly know why.

Perhaps my concern should be more on what I'm doing with this time. Am I continuing to trust? Am I using my time wisely? Am I seeking the Lord to make sure that I'm being obedient in all this? I can ask questions all that I want but the most important thing is my heart's attitude. Will I choose to be grumpy about the delay or choose to rejoice in what God is doing in the delay?

I pray that my response will please the heart of the God who has called me, keeps me and continues guide me along the way.

1 comment:

Zoegirl said...

Carrie, these are all good questions... And it's not so much what you're not doing, it's what you ARE doing.

I know a little bit about this not knowing 'why' stuff... And I'll give you one-millionth of an answer to your question this afternoon. I love you! -G-d loves you more and is doing somehting amazing in you right now!